I Am Much Too Alone In This World
by mdiggory
Summary: I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone enough. I want my conscience to be true before you. The next installment of my Brachel series.
1. Chapter 1

a/n: As I'm winding down my Breyton fic 'Model Misbehaving' I hope to have more time to focus on the Brachel stuff, that is considering that I don't get sidetracked by any more plot bunnies. As it is I've got an idea I'm tossing around for a Victoria centric fic. Anyway, like I said it's just an idea I've had for a while so it may or may not become anything, also I've converted this series all under the title Keep Breathing Series and posted it to my homepage .com , the title is from a poem written by Rainer Maria Rilke. Enjoy

_**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone**_

Disclaimer: all characters are the property of the cw and schwahn.

"_A robbery at closing time, vicious attack …Rach?"_

_"We don't know if it's the same guy. You never saw his face, it could be a coincidence?" even as the words leave her mouth she knows it's not the truth._

"Do you really think that…" Haley looks decidedly uncomfortable. Growing up she had a great mom and aside from Deb sporadically giving her the cold shoulder throughout the beginning of her marriage to Nathan, she has no clue as to how to handle a habitually bitchy mother.

"She hired some lowlife to rob the store?" Brooke fills in the blank, "Maybe she wasn't really aiming for me. Millie said Velociraptoria came in earlier that day and threaten her when Millie wouldn't hand over my sketches." Brooke's body begins to tremble uncontrollably and she's finding it hard to breathe under the weight of the carnage her mother may or may not have created. "Oh God, how could she do something so_ horrible_, he…he was going to rape me. He had me pinned to the ground and was pulling down his pants when those passing fire trucks scared him off. My _mother_, the woman that gave birth to me, she was the cause of that and for what, huh? Money? Useless pieces of paper to buy unnecessary crap to fill up the black hole where her heart should be. How could she be so…and what does that say about me that I'm related to someone who could do that to their own flesh and blood? How can you love me Rachel, how can you even stand to touch me? "

Damn it all to hell if Rachel doesn't hate Victoria Davis with every fiber of her being. We're talking drop an anvil on her head, toss her off a 200 foot cliff, strap her to 80 tons of T.N.T. and push the plunger kind of hate.

"I love you Brooke, I do! You are so kind and the simple fact that you are horrified over her actions proves that you are **nothing** like that monster." Rachel says with conviction.

"If she's a monster then what does that make me?" Brooke's heartbroken question leaves them all at a loss for how to respond.

"You're Aunt Brooke!" Jamie exclaims, in such a matter-of-fact voice that it leaves no room for argument. He climbs up onto the coffee table and onto Brooke's lap "You're my best friend who helped me stand up for myself and painted my racecar the color _I_ wanted. You took care of baby Angie and loved her even though she wasn't yours. Every time I'm sad you give me a big hug and tell me it's gonna be okay and _it is_. You're the best Godmomma in the world and I love you Aunt Brooke." his tiny hands brush away the tears cascading down her face.

"Little J is right, so no more bad mouthing the woman I intend to one day marry." The words slip out of her mouth and Rachel purses her lips realizing her folly. Honestly, could she **be** more of a cliché? They had only just made love for the first time last night and already she has them picking out wedding china! Oh, and never mind the fact that the day after their first kiss she took Grandma Gattina's engagement ring out of her safety deposit box and has been itching for the right moment to pop the question.

Brooke's eyes widen at the unexpected declaration but as the words sink in she finds herself warming up to the idea of becoming Mrs. Rachel Gattina. With Jaime snuggling into her side, Brooke can clearly picture what their life as a married couple would be like and that heat she has come to only associate with Rachel forms in her chest and rapidly begins to spread throughout her entire body leaving a feeling of peaceful euphoria in it's wake.

Rachel watches her lover closely, looking for any signs of distress over her ill timed words but as she stares deeply into those fathomless hazel orbs she's floored by the love and hope reflecting back at her.

"You've thought about us getting married?" Brooke asks quietly

"Well…yeah, I may have had some thoughts on the subject." Rachel shrugs nervously . "About a half dozen or so nauseatingly adorable dimpled brats running around, touching my designer dresses with their sticky hands."

"As long as there are a few infuriatingly beautiful red headed nuisances strutting around like they own the joint and you have yourself a deal." Brooke smiles, squeezing her hand to let Rachel know she feels the same.

"Now that that's settled," Jaime interrupts, "kiss her already so we can have breakfast." hopping off the table, he makes room for Rachel to take Brooke into her arms.

"You heard the man." leaning forward Rachel presses a whisper of a kiss to Brooke's pouty lips. What starts out as a chaste kiss quickly escalates as Rachel finds herself wanting to prove her love beyond a shadow of a doubt.

"You know, if all you guys are gonna do is suck each others face off, we can come back later." Peyton sighs and the pair reluctantly separates.

" Sorry guys," Brooke apologizes, panting softly she pulls out of her lovers embrace. "Jaime, why don't you help me set up the game while Rach starts breakfast, ok buddy?" the little blond nods his head, grabs Brooke by the hand and leads her upstairs.

Rachel watches until they disappear, she grabs the phone and with shaky fingers, punches in a number. "Hey, it's Rachel. Get security section to send over the team I hand picked last week, I want at least one guard posted at the river-house and the office at all times. And send Parkman to New York, he already has his orders." hanging up she runs a hand through her auburn locks, frustrated she lets out a deep breath.

"What was that all about?" Haley's question causes her to jump slightly, forgetting she wasn't alone in the room. Turning to the other women she glances towards the stairs before responding.

"Ever since Brooke told me about the attack, I've had a feeling that Vamptoria has had a hand in it somehow so I put together a team of security guards for Brooke's protection just in case."

"That was good thinking, do you truly believe that Bitchtoria is behind the attack?" Haley questions skeptically

"The woman is pure evil, for as long as I can remember she's always treated Brooke like an unwanted burden. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me Victoria was in fact Keyser Soze." Peyton snorts.

"That bitch could spend all of eternity rotting away in Hell and it still wouldn't be a harsh enough punishment for all that she's done. One things for sure, she will _never_ get within 100 feet of Brooke without having to deal with me." Rachel vows, her tone is so cold that Haley is almost afraid for Brooke's so called mother if she ever crosses Rachel, _almost_.

Sitting alone at the counter, Sam is frozen in her seat. Her eyes glued to the front of The Tree Hill Register and the mugshot of the burglar that was captured late last night. Xavier Daniels, a.k.a X as he loves to go by, skezzy brother of her best friend Jack was lurking about the hallway of Jack's tiny house when Sam stopped by one night weeks ago to venomously vent after Brooke caught her shoplifting at C/B. She initially dismissed X's creepy vibes when he told her that _'stuck up rich bitches like th_at _needed to be put in their place', _as his usual drunken rants against anyone who had more than he did. But now, staring at the black and white picture of the man caught red handed robbing and savagely beating an old man to a pulp, Sam wishes for once that she had just kept her big mouth shut.

**Two Weeks Later…**

Jumping for the rebound, Lucas grunts snagging the ball from Skills' outstretched hands and dribbles out of the zone for an easy 3-pointer. The dull orange ball swishes through the net, effectively ending the game. Typical male handshakes are exchanged as they head over to the river court picnic table to cool off with a bottle of water.

"Nate, where's little J. Luke today?" Skills asks as he towels off his bald head

"He's playing decoy, hanging out with Sam while Haley and Peyton help Brooke and Rachel decorate the house for Sam's birthday party."

"And you're o.k. with that?" Lucas asks incredulously

"Why wouldn't I be o.k. with it?"

"I don't know," Lucas shrugs non-committedly "there's just something about that kid that rubs me the wrong way. She spent her first couple of weeks in school sitting in the principal's office, and with her background and living arrangement I just don't think she's the type of person you'd want Jaime hanging with."

"According to Hale's, Sam's doing great in school now. She's not getting into any fights, her grades are excellent and Haley contributes that to her stable home life. Jaime likes hanging out with her and Sam's shown she's responsible enough to try and set a good example for him" Nathan rolls his eyes, tired of having this same conversation with Lucas. Ever since the discovery of Rachel and Brooke's relationship Lucas has come up with several implausible reasons why Jaime shouldn't spend time at the river-house.

"I'm just saying that that…_lifestyle_ may be confusing for him, besides Jaime likes Dan too but I don't see you setting _them_ up on play dates." the comparison is weak and even he knows it. Dan killed his own brother in cold blood and Sam is just a troubled teenager who just so happens to be living with his ex- girlfriend and her lesbian lover. If he's honest with himself Lucas would admit that what really bothers him is how accepting everyone has been over Brooke's new relationship. Once upon a time he considered himself the love of Brooke Davis' life and a small part of his ego was secretly pleased when it seemed as though the beautiful brunette would forever carry a torch for him.

Then Rachel blew back into town, single-handedly solving the mystery of Brooke's injuries and getting her the help she needed, helped Brooke plan that major coup to take control of the company and apparently in her spare time she rescues orphans and finds them homes. As much as he hates to admit it he's jealous, Rachel has managed to make Brooke happier than he's ever seen her and has given her the one thing he was never able to; a family.

"Brooke is Jaime's godmother, she _always_ has his best interest in mind and would never expose him to anything indecent." Nathan answers hotly

"Speaking of Davis," Skills quickly puts an end to the ensuing argument, "we'd better go home and get cleaned up, wouldn't want her to kick our asses if we ruin the surprise." The brothers nod, gather their sweats and head towards the car.

* * *

"Is it straight?" Haley asks Peyton who just walked through the back door to stand behind Haley on the step stool.

"Lift the corner of the banner a quarter of an inch higher and it's perfect." she instructs the other girl, looking around the room at the decorations still waiting to be hung she asks, "Where's Brooke, I thought she was helping you in here while Rachel and I covered up Sam's big present outside?"

"Ask yourself where's Rachel and you'll locate Brooke." Haley snorts, hopping down from the stool

"Oh come on, again!" Peyton exclaims, "That's like the third time in two hours they snuck off to make out, at this rate we're never going to have this finished by the time Sam gets home."

* * *

Upstairs in the master bathroom, Brooke has Rachel pressed against the wall, mouths locked in a smoldering kiss. Their bodies molding perfectly together and Brooke can't imagine ever thinking she could have belonged to another. She had never really been attracted to other girls before, unlike Rachel who has alluded to being with other women. She has often wondered in the last few weeks if Rachel doubts her commitment to their new found love but if she's really honest with herself she had developed feelings for Rachel almost from the moment they met. Brooke vehemently swore that her initial rejection of Rachel from her cheerleading squad was because of the um, _risque_ dance routine she performed at try-outs but truthfully Brooke was scared shitless by the butterflies break dancing in her lower belly.

Rachel's tongue skillfully penetrates her mouth again and again sending electrical currents of pleasure down Brooke's spine. She firmly presses her thigh in between Rachel's legs and moans deeply when Rachel grips her ass pulling her closer. She shifts to the left angling to reach her hand up Rachel's shirt, cupping the red heads full breast.

"Seriously guys, if you don't come downstairs right now Haley and I are leaving!" leaning against the door frame, Peyton crosses her arms and taps her foot impatiently. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling as the pair disengages their limbs and straighten their clothes all the while muttering about nosy friends and unlocked doors.

* * *

"Surprise!" they exclaim, pulling the white cloth off to reveal a shiny black GTV 250 Vestpa Scooter. Sam stares in awe, no one has ever been as kind to her as this motley group of people. In all of her 16 years she can't ever remember celebrating her birthday, hell if it wasn't for her birth certificate she doubts she'd know what day she was born.

"What, you don't like the color?" Brooke asks as Sam just stands there gaping at the scooter. Approaching the bike apprehensively she reaches out to touch it just to make sure this is really happening. The glossy black paint matches her nail polish perfectly. She can see their reflection in the side mirror, the smiling faces expecting her to be happy in return is like a sledgehammer to her gut. She remembers seeing Brooke around town a few days after that brutal attack, the horrible bruises that she wanted to believe were caused by a car accident or in some other innocuous manner but past experience enabled Sam see the truth laid buried right beneath the surface. To know that she was the cause for that violation and the deaden look in Brooke's eyes was too much for Sam to bear.

"I can't do this. I can't be here anymore." racing into the house, she heads straight for her bedroom to grab the backpack jammed packed with her meager belongings but before she can make a clean getaway Rachel and Brooke are entering the room, concern swimming in their eyes.

"Sam what's going on?" Brooke asks in that motherly tone she's developed lately. "I thought we were getting along ok, finally past the petty bickering but you've been acting weird or weirder at least around me lately. I think it may have been all of the baby talk, please tell me you're not feeling out of place because that's just silly?"

"Well that's just dumb, Sam you're apart of our family a huge part." Rachel scoffs, "I mean, who else is going to help me when Brooke bails on diaper duty?"

This is it, the moment of truth she has been dreading for two weeks. Sam takes a step back away from her foster family as she mentally prepares herself to deliver this devastating blow. She's sweating and her throat threatens to close up on her as she chokes back the tears she doesn't deserve to shed.

"After you caught me shoplifting in your store, I was with some friends and I said some really awful things about you. I didn't know…I never asked him to do it Brooke I swear…I didn't mean it…I'm sorry." reaching between the mattress and box-spring she pulls out a handful of crumpled papers and with shaky hands passes them over to Brooke. The top page is a sketching of a woman wearing a knee length red trench coat and black boots and in the bottom left hand corner is the C/B logo. Brooke's breath hitches in her throat and she turns deathly pale. Rachel grasps her upper arms as Brooke sways momentarily no doubt replaying that horrendous night again in her head. "I'm sorry." she says again but either they don't hear her or don't care as she quietly slips out into the hallway to find the entire group staring at her with a mix of confusion and disgust. The tears are flowing freely now and the last sound she hears when she closes the door are Brooke's anguished sobs.

a/n: Per Ravenscircle's request I made this chapter longer, thanks again for the read through and feedback I really appreciate it. As much as I loved Sophia kicking butt in the confrontation with X I'm not going to add that here, sorry. And don't worry Sam may be gone for a few days but hopefully she won't put herself in any danger.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: Alright, I know I said that I wasn't doing the whole crazy X fight scene, mainly because none of it made sense to me. I mean, why would he wear a mask to assault Brooke but didn't put one on when he robbed and shot Quinten and the gas station attendant? Did he take the mask off when he saw Quinten come in and the reason he shot the boy was because he saw X's face? And how exactly did he go on this wild crime spree without being seen? Anyway, while the beginning of this is a bit dark, hang in there and hopefully things will start to look up. The title of this chapter is from the Heather Nova song Paper Cup, enjoy! **

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone**

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of the cw and schwahn

**Chapter 2: Paper Cup**

She's been walking non stop for what seems like hours, not sure where exactly she is headed but knowing that she has no other choice but to plow forward. Every time she closes her eyes she see's Brooke's heartbroken face, pale and tormented, battered and bruised. A sharp pain in her gut nearly causes her knees to buckle but she takes a deep breath, riding out the pain and propels herself onward. She doesn't deserve to give in to her heartache, doesn't deserve to be despondent, not after all of the pain she has caused to the kindest people she has ever known. They took her into their home, made her feel wanted and dare she even say it? Loved, for the first time in her life. How cruel fate has shown them that no good deed goes unpunished.

The grey sky rumbles ominously and Sam pulls the thin cotton hood of her sweatshirt over her head just as the first raindrops begin to fall. Five minutes later she ducks under an overpass, soaked to the bone. Shivering she looks around her to the other vagabonds huddled around a metal garbage can and the fire they have just lit within. A man in his early twenties, catches her eye and signals for her to come closer to the flames. She reluctantly moves towards the warmth of the fire to stand next to him, he smiles at her and through the grime and tattered clothing she could tell that he had once been a very attractive man.

"Hey, I'm Joey."

"Sam." she cautiously replies

"I've never seen you around here before." If it was a question she doesn't know how to respond. How do you tell someone that the reason you are now sleeping under a bridge that stinks of stale liquor and urine is because you have been cast out of paradise?

The rain is falling harder now and Sam knows that she is stuck here, at least until it let's up enough to see two feet in front of her face. The pain in her side is back and this time she doubles over as it rips through her abdomen. Joey catches her as her body pitches forward and drags her over to a secluded spot covered by a faded blue tarp and lays her down on a makeshift bed of cardboard and discarded rags. She feels nauseated and the odor permeating from the old clothes aren't helping as she drags in a ragged breath.

Sam suddenly feels extremely hot and must have voiced this symptom aloud because Joey is helping her unzip her sweatshirt. Her head is spinning, the pain in her belly intensifies so she cuddles into the fetal position to ride it out. The cool air feels good on her overheated flesh and she's about to thank Joey for unzipping her shirt when she feels his hands roaming down her body. She freezes immediately as he tries to roll her onto her back to unbuckle her belt. Warning bells are blaring in her mind and Sam flails her arms in distress. He quickly grabs her wrists, easily subduing her in her weakened state and climbs on top of her body. Panicked, she can't find the strength to fight back and Brooke's haunting words describing her ordeal echoes in Sam's head causing another wave of guilt to wash over her. Maybe this is her punishment, maybe if she jut lies here and let's this cretin do whatever he wants her sins will be absolved. The throbbing in her stomach reaches a pinnacle and just as she passes out she feels Joey's heavy weight miraculously being lifted from her.

* * *

It's been forty-three hours and eight minutes since Brooke had stupidly let Sam walk out the door. Pacing the living room floor, she checks the power bar on her cell yet again before blowing out a frustrated breath.

"Brooke, honey" Haley approaches the agitated woman, "I made you some herbal tea, why don't you sit down for a bit and try to eat something?"

"I'm not hungry." she replies distractedly looking at her cell again. Forty-three hours and nine minutes.

"Brooke making yourself sick with worry isn't going to bring her back any sooner." Peyton tries to reason with her friend. "Look, we've got a ton of people out there searching for Sam and…"

"I should be out there!" Brooke screams, "I should be out looking for her, this is my fault. How could I just let her walk out like that? I mean, what's wrong with me, I just stood there completely useless."

"You were in shock Tigger." Haley pleads but Brooke just shakes it off.

"That's no excuse. She needed me, she needed her mother/guardian person," she rambles incoherently " and I just stood there. What is wrong with me?" she asks again.

"Brooke," Haley says softly, coming up to the distraught brunette "Rachel has her security team, along with Mouth, Skills, Nathan and even Tim out searching for Sam right now. It's only a matter of time before they bring her back home to you, safely." she adds as an afterthought.

"All of those people searching and still no sign of her, what if something terrible has happened Hales? Or she could be miles away from here, in another state by now?" Brooke wipes the tears forming in her eyes and resumes her pacing.

Haley stands there torn, she bites her bottom lip dreading bringing up this next question after the explosive reaction Lucas received before.

"Maybe…" Haley sighs, as she gathers her strength, "maybe we should think about involving the police now Brooke." she cringes as Brooke whips around to face her. That manic look is in her eyes again the same look she had yesterday when Lucas suggested they notify the cops. But whereas Haley only wishes to seek their help in bringing Sam home safely, Lucas wanted to alert the authorities of Sam's part in Brooke's attack and robbery. She had never seen her friend go from slightly freaked out to totally batshit crazy so fast. Brooke reamed Lucas a new one, screaming that _'under no circumstance was he or anyone else to blame what happened on her daughter and if Lucas has a problem with that then he could take his self-righteous, hypercritical ass home!_'

After what seemed like an eternity Rachel managed to calm Brooke down with a promise that she would find _their_ girl and make sure that Sam knew they didn't blame her for the attack and most of all, still loved her.

"If we involve the cops, when they find her DCF might take her away from us." her voice hoarse from the emotional agony she's been put through. "And I couldn't bear getting Sam back only to have her taken away again and tossed back into the system. You have no idea how retched foster care can be for older kids, she's been put through enough."

"Okay, okay Brooke we won't call the police." Peyton's words seem to pacify the brunette for the moment and she continues to pace, checking her silent cell once again. Forty-three hours and fourteen minutes.

* * *

Pulling her used Chevy Impala into a parking space in front of the large egg-shell colored river-house, a plump young woman adjusts her eyeglasses as she checks the address on a crumpled piece of paper and matches it to the capacious house before her.

She's seriously jeopardizing her job and career by coming here but if there is one person she'd risk being reprimanded for it's Brooke Davis. Back in high school when she was still in that awkward phase and found comfort with the goth crowd Brooke defended her and her friends against a group of snobby girls. Being defended by the Queen B herself was akin to being touched by the hand of God as far as those twits were concerned. No one dared to mess with her or the other Goths for the rest of the year and to show her appreciation she convinced Lucas to cut out some of the more intimate and unflattering details of his relationship with Brooke when she read the first draft of his book. Hiking up the hood of her raincoat she makes a mad dash for the front door and is startled when the door flings open shortly after the first knock.

"Sam?" Brooke's face deflates as she swings open the door to find an older girl on her door step. "Sorry, I thought you were someone else, can I help you?"

"Actually, I'm here to help you Brooke." she says as the brunette invites her into the warm dry house. She spots the other former cheerleaders Haley and Peyton huddled by the counter separating the kitchen and living room, each girl giving her quizzical looks while trying to place her face. "You probably don't remember me…"

"Glenda Farrell, yeah I remember we only had like four classes together."

"Yeah but I look a little different without the whole gothic chic." Glenda laughs

"So how have you been?" Brooke asks gesturing for her to take a seat on the sofa

"Good, I've been really good. I got into Duke, pre-med and on the weekends I volunteer at this little health clinic on the South side, which brings me to the reason I'm here."

Brooke's heart thuds dully in her chest as Glenda reaches into her purse and extracts Sam's driver's license that was issued just four days ago.

"She's alright," Glenda reassures the distraught brunette as she holds the license with shaky hands. "She was dropped off at the clinic late last night suffering from sever abdominal pains, after a brief examination she underwent an appendectomy and is now resting comfortably in the patient care ward."

"Oh thank God," Brooke is able to breath easier as her fears that something terrible has happened to her child. "But how did you know…?"

"There were pictures in her backpack of you and Rachel, normally the clinic has a very strict doctor/patient confidentiality clause, we try to keep the police out so that the homeless and particularly the teenage runaways feel that it's a safe haven to seek treatment but once I saw the pictures and how close you all seemed in them, I knew that coming to find you was the right move."

Jumping from her seat Brooke encases the other girl in a crushing hug to which Glenda could only laugh.

"Thank you so much Glenda, I can't even tell you how worried we've been." brushing the tears away she climbs to her feet and begins to collect her purse and coat. "Please, can I see her?"

_a/n: I know this chapter is kind of short and I'm only stopping here because I'm super tired but the next part is fairly mapped out in my head and should be along very soon. Until then rejoice and review please._


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: Sam's savior in chapter two wasn't really an actual character, I just threw the faceless man in to get her out of a sticky situation so you can imagine whomever you want it to be: Jack, her long lost father, the Leprechaun on the Lucky Charms box.**

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone**

**Disclaimer: Brachel and co. are the property of the cw and mark shwahn**

**Chapter 3: Sober**

Her limbs felt heavy, leaden as if she was swimming through a vat of Jello. She can hear hushed voices in the distance, someone is talking to her, their voice hoarse and every now and then sniffling. A hand pushes the bangs off of her forehead gently caressing her brow and Sam tries to snuggle her face into the soft touch. All of a sudden the movement stops and just when she thinks she's done something wrong the hand returns, squeezing her hand and calling out for a nurse.

Her eyelids struggle to open, sleep caked in the corners and she has to blink several times to clear her vision. As her foggy brain tries to shake off the heavy sedation, she finds Brooke's tear stained face hovering over her, a wide smile etched across her lovely features and Rachel's suspiciously red eyed face appears just behind hers.

A nurse is on her other side, checking her vitals and making notations on a chart and she uses the time as her guardians ask about her health to take a good look at her surroundings. How did she end up in a hospital? Last thing she could cognitively remember was walking in the rain, hiding out under the overpass and standing by the warm fire with…flashes of being trapped underneath a solid body, uselessly trying to defend herself as a crippling pain surged through her stomach, bombards her muddled brain causing her to recall why she was even in that situation in the first place. Panicking, she glances down to her hand still clasped tightly in Brooke's grasp, filled with shame she wants to tug it loose but Brooke won't let her.

"Sam, it's okay." she soothes the young girl. "You're in the South Street Clinic, someone dropped you off here yesterday because you were sick and in pain and the doctor had to remove your appendix. Do you remember what happened or who brought you here?"

The nurse must have anticipated her dry throat because she hands Rachel a plastic cup of water and the red head bends the straw to reach her mouth. Sam takes long gulps, wetting her throat with the cool liquid and when the slurping signals the cup is empty she motion for a refill.

They wait patiently as she slakes her thirst and when the second cup is drained, Sam leans her head back and closes her eyes briefly. _'What are they doing here? Why are they still being so nice to me' _are the foremost questions her brain can conjure up in her fuddled state. She opens her mouth to answer as to why and where she had run off to but all that she manages to croak out is: "Words taste like peaches." before submitting to the sedatives the nurse injects into her I.V. once more.

* * *

Rousing from sleep, she notes that it's nighttime by the darken window and a dim lamp illuminating the small room. Turning to her left she is surprised to find Brooke fast asleep, curled up on Rachel's lap in the chair at her bedside. Her soft rustling draws Rachel's attention to her and she gives the young girl a tired but joyful smile.

"Hey Sam I Am," she greets in hushed tones, "glad to see you back in the land of the living." Rachel reaches out to hold her hand but Sam pulls back.

"Don't." Sam grumbles, swallowing back the tears, "I don't deserve you being nice to me, especially after what I did to Brooke."

"Sam you listen to me," Rachel says firmly as she takes hold of Sam's hand and balances Brooke on her lap, "we do not blame you for what happened. The attack was not your fault, you said so yourself that you didn't ask that creep to go after Brooke, right?" Sam nods her head emphatically and Rachel smiles at the child-like gesture from a kid who usually tries to act so tough. "And we believe you."

"But why?" she asks, bewildered that they could forgive her this easily when just two weeks ago Rachel was ready to send a S.W.A.T. team after Victoria because they thought she was behind the assault. If they were going to do that to Brooke's _mother_ then she shudders to think what they were capable of doing to her. "You say that you don't blame me now because I'm in the hospital but I bet the minute I'm better it's back to the pound I go."

"Never say that, Sam I told you, you are apart of our family. You have no idea how much we regret letting you walk out like that. Brooke was a complete mess, we had a dozen people out searching for you. Forty- three hours of absolute terror not knowing where our girl was and when we finally located you here… I'm so sorry you had to go through the surgery alone."

"So then what, you feel guilty because my appendix burst?" Sam bristles "If it hadn't been for me shooting off my mouth none of this would have happened. I saw those bruises that asshole caused, I saw that dead look in her eyes, how can she ever forgive me?" She adverts her guilty eyes and Rachel sighs, deciding to try a different tactic.

"You've read Lucas' book, right?" Sam nods her head at the strange non sequitur. "Then you know that the school shooting, Jimmy committing suicide and Dan killing Keith was all indirectly caused by the time capsule being prematurely revealed." Rachel takes a deep breath and Brooke who has been silently listening to their conversation, lifts her head and places a soft kiss to Rachel's temple giving her the strength to continue. "It was me, I was the one who opened the time capsule. What started out as a stupid prank set off an atrocious chain of events that cost two people their lives. I may not have pulled the trigger but my idiotic actions caused a lot of damage. To this day I can't even tell you why I did something so malicious. There are only three people I've confessed this to: Mouth, my therapist and Brooke."

"And I forgave her for her careless misdeeds just like I forgive you Sam." when Sam still looks unconvinced Brooke slides off her lovers lap and cautiously climbs onto the bed, tenderly wrapping her arms around Sam. "What happened to me was not your fault Avril." the annoying nickname Brooke often uses rips a sob from Sam's chest. "I'm so sorry we let you walk out that door and in the future I want you to know that you can always come to us with anything good or bad and we will be here for you."

"Why," Sam asks, still not ready to believe forgiveness could be obtained so easily, "why would you still put up with me after all of the crap I pulled. You should have kicked me out long ago when you caught me stealing from your wallet."

"Oh Sam, don't you see how much we love you?"

* * *

After Glenda kicked them out of the clinic with the promise that Sam will be well enough to go home the following afternoon, Brooke walks into their bedroom to find Rachel laying in bed, staring at the ceiling deep in thought. Crawling up onto the soft mattress, she rubs her hand across bare skin exposing Rachel's toned stomach.

"Hey," her raspy voice whispers, "come back to me. We're here in our warm bed, you're not in the tutor center, Rach."

"I can still hear it, you know. All these years later and I can still feel Mouth's tears soaking my shirt, feel his body quake and that sound…that _Pop!_" taking a deep shuddering breath, she covers her face with her hands, digging the heals of her palms into her eyes to rub out the gruesome vision.

"Sweetie, don't do this to yourself. Jimmy was sick, he was tormented for a very long time, though having his angry tirade broadcast like that didn't help, at that point I don't think there was anything that could have brought him back from the edge."

"For so long, I tried to drown out that sound, alcohol, heroin nothing could make it go away," removing her hands she looks to Brooke with such sadness in her brown eyes. "Except you, you healed me Brooke. Damn did that sound as cheesy as I think it did?"

"No, it was very sweet."

"A-huh." Rachel says with a wry smile

"So sweet that I'm in danger of slipping into a sugar coma." Brooke laughs as Rachel tackles her on the bed, stretching out her body along the brunettes. They lay there for a moment just gazing into one another's eyes simply enjoying the closeness. "I love you Rach, so much." Reaching her hand up to bring the red head in for a kiss she moans as Rachel deepens it immediately. The hunger for more quickly takes over, she rotates her hips and when Rachel reciprocates the action a pool of molten liquid forms in her lower belly. Rachel tears her lips away to trail down her neck, running her tongue along Brooke's jugular and suckling her pulse point. Brooke grabs Rachel by the hips, angling her to just the right position and thrusting upward.

Rachel grinds herself into her lover but it's not enough, she needs to feel Brooke's silky skin against her own. "Brooke, I need to touch you, I need to be inside of you." a guttural moan is all she receives in response so she strips them of their clothing, exposing their heated bodies to the cool night air. Wasting no time she trails her hand down Brooke's flat stomach, past her mound and into her hot, wet body.

Brooke writhes beneath as Rachel pumps her fingers in and out in long languid strokes. Her mind is completely blank, all she can focus on is the wonderful sensations only Rachel can evoke in her. When her orgasm hits she nearly knocks her lover off of the bed with it's force. Before Brooke could catch her breath Rachel's deliciously wicked mouth burns the same path her hand had taken earlier.

With a tight grasp on her hips, Rachel swipes her tongue over her center again and again. Brooke's clawing at the bed sheets, mumbling incomprehensible words, only serving to spur her on. As she climaxes a second time, Brooke squeezes her thighs together trapping Rachel's head between them. Rachel gently coaxes her lovers legs apart as she rides out the aftershocks, she pushes herself up onto her knees and marvels at the beautiful woman on display just for her enjoyment.

a/n: kind of short and depressing I know but cheer up! Sam's safe and will be coming home soon, all of the secrets are out and forgiven and the next chapter has a very steamy Brachel love scene, until then.


	4. Chapter 4

a/n: I know I promised steam but as I wrote this it turned out to be a bit more on the raunchy side than I first anticipated, so if you think it's a bit much then you might just want to skip down to the middle. The title of this chapter is from the song by The Arctic Monkeys

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World**

Disclaimer: all characters are the property of the cw

Chapter 4: Fluorescent Adolescent

Sunlight pours through the window and Brooke is deep in thought as she lies in bed with Rachel, listening to the seagulls early morning songs. One of the many facets of their relationship that Brooke adores is their honesty. True, Rachel can be romantic when she wants to be but Brooke loves that redhead has no use for pretty words. Instead of spouting off confusing quotes from dead writers, trying to make herself sound deep and quixotic, Rachel will plainly state what she means. If she wants to make love to Brooke, she'll say so. If she needs to be fucked, she'll demand it, and if she just needs to lay silently with Brooke in her arms, staring at her with that _'I can't believe you're mine' _look, she'll do it.

"I have something for you." Rachel announces as she rolls over to her side of the bed to retrieve a shiny gold box with a big bow, from her night-stand. Handing it over she wraps her arm around her lovers waist to keep her from bouncing right off the bed in excitement.

"A present for me?" Brooke exclaims, then looks back at Rachel pouting, "but I didn't get you anything."

"Just open the box already Penelope," rolling her eyes, "trust me it's a gift the both of us can enjoy." she adds as Brooke rips off the bow and lifts the box lid.

"We've only been sleeping together for a few weeks and already you're resorting to marital aids?" Brooke questions sardonically, eyeing the contents of the box.

"Oh don't act like you've never used one before, we were roommates remember? I found your little goody box not so cleverly hidden under your bed." she laughs when Brooke blushes, playfully hitting her shoulder before becoming serious, "Look, I…when it comes to sex, I know what your used to and I just want to make sure that your getting everything that you need from this relationship. Physically as well as emotionally."

"You are all that I need, Rachel. More than I ever could have wished for in my wildest dreams." Brooke smiles, touched that her lover is always thinking about her even if the concerns in that department are unfounded. Cupping the redheads face, she presses her lips to Rachel's kiss swollen ones.

"Alright, now _that _was so saccharine sweet that I'm gonna get a cavity. And as for this," lifting the indigo colored phallic shaped toy out of the box, "I was saving it for a special occasion but I woke up with a burning desire to _fuck_ you into the mattress." placing open mouth kisses to her lovers neck, just underneath her ear to the spot she knows will make Brooke purr.

"Why Miss. Gattina," Brooke gasps mockingly as she raises a hand to her chest, "you're so _vulgar_."

"I'm simply a girl who knows what she wants and right now I want you in every position imaginable, and a few that aren't." capturing her lovers mouth she silences Brooke's reply.

Strapping on the harness and prepping the long thick toy, Rachel cautiously eases into her and Brooke flinches slightly, spreading her legs a little wider. It's been almost a year since she's been filled this way and Brooke would be lying if she said she didn't miss it. Owen had turned out to be a lost cause and a total waste of her time to boot. Leave it to Rachel to know exactly what she needs and coming up with a way to fulfill that desire.

Giving her a moment for her inner muscles to adjust to the intrusion, Rachel props herself up onto her elbows, ducking her head down to pepper soft kisses all around Brooke's face. Brooke emits a long pleasurable sigh as Rachel retracts then surges forward and they fall into a slow steady rhythm with Brooke eagerly meeting each roll of Rachel's hips.

It takes a few moments for the distant ringing of the doorbell to filter through their lust filled haze and when Brooke moves to get up, Rachel gently pushes her back down.

"Shit, that's probably Peyton, she and Haley were dropping by this morning for wedding brainstorming." Brooke groans as Rachel continues to thrust.

"Ignore it and maybe they'll go away." she pants, kissing Brooke passionately.

"She still has a key, if I don't answer she'll let herself in."

"Fine, let her come on up to get an eyeful, maybe then she'll quit dropping by so damn early." securing one arm around Brooke's waist she pulls the other girls undulating hips as close as she can get. Yanking the pillows from behind Brooke's head she tosses them to the wayside, not caring as it knocks the tableside lamp to the hardwood floor with a crash. Clasping their free hands together above the brunette's head she's spurred on by the lustful sounds the other girls making, drowning out the approaching footsteps.

"Dammit you guys!" Peyton shrieks, backing out of the bedroom she fumbles to cover her eyes while balancing the magazines and venue brochures in her hands. Finally giving up she huffs, "Why didn't you say something, oh whatever… just never mind. Brooke call me later, preferably _after_ Gattina dismounts." beating a hasty retreat down the hallway Peyton shakes her head in amusement as laughter intermingling with throaty moans follows her to the front door.

Flipping the brunette over she positions Brooke on all fours before driving back into her body hard and deep. Her wild hair is tumbling in her face, Rachel's pounding fiercely into her, Brooke feels a hand snake up her chest to grab her breast and tweak her harden nipple. Mewing in pleasure she clutches the edge of the mattress so hard she's afraid she'll rip it. Sex has never been like this before, so raw and animalistic. She's never allowed herself to be this free and uninhibited with anyone else.

Rachel utters a low growl in her ear, biting into Brooke's shoulder then soothing the abrasion with her warm tongue. Brooke's supporting both of their weights now, Rachel's erect nipples gliding over her slick back with every thrust has her on sensory overload. Then Rachel angles her hips hitting that perfect spot over and over, her fingers simultaneously stimulating that little bundle of nerves, sending shockwaves throughout her entire body and she screams out her orgasm dragging her lover along for the ride.

Collapsing in a heap onto the bed Brooke feels an immediate sense of loss as Rachel pulls out of her and throws their new toy to the side. Rachel returns shortly, placing her arms around Brooke and kissing her softly to put an end to her whimpering. "See, I told you. Bet they won't be barging in on us anytime soon."

* * *

"Hey you decent?" Rachel asks poking her head through the door of Sam's room at the clinic.

"Well I suppose it all depends on who you ask." comes a sarcastic reply.

"You fit in so well with us it's not even funny." Rachel smirks, pushing the door open all the way, she lifts an overnight bag up onto Sam's bed. "Brought you a change of clothes, though I forgot you already have your little hobo sack packed when you bailed but there's a heavier sweatshirt in there that Brooke made for your birthday."

Unzipping the bag, Sam finds the dark grey hoodie right on top. Lifting it out of the bag, she runs her hand over it to inspect the handstitched design of a wildcat on the back with the word _Feral_ emblazed in shiny red letters. Sam sniffles and inconspicuously tries to wipe away the tears gathering in her eyes. Rachel sits on the bed beside her, looping her arm around Sam's shoulders to pull her into a hug and squeezes tighter when she feels tears quietly soaking through her shirt.

She's not sure for how long they've been sitting in that position but when Sam's tears finally dry and the young girl pulls away her own eyes are puffy and red. Rachel grabs a tissue from the box on the side table, dabbing at her eyes and tries to compose herself. "Brooke should be almost finished with your paperwork so go ahead and get dressed and we'll be waiting for you outside, okay?"

Sam nods her head, trying in vain to keep the emotional damn intact. She turns her back on the door and takes several breathes to control herself but almost loses it again when Rachel presses a kiss to the top of her head and whispers, "Love you, kiddo." before slipping out the door.

* * *

They've been home for several hours and after convincing _Mother Hen_ Brooke that she can walk just fine own her own, the three ladies have settled in the living room watching t.v. and polishing off Sam's birthday cake.

"Quit eating all of the strawberry mousse, fat ass!" Rachel sighs exasperatedly, pushing Brooke's spoon away from the plate they are sharing.

"If anything I'm doing you a favor, all those calories you've inhaled are sure to burst your lap band." Brooke laughs, using her spoon as a sword and fighting off Rachel's rebuffs.

Sam shakes her head in amusement, over the past few weeks she has grown accustom to her guardians playful banter and is surprised to note that she finds comfort in their constant sparring laced with sexual innuendo, that is once she learned how to filter most of it out. Putting up her mental mind barrier only works for so long and certain words seems to still trickle through, such as, 'frosting, tongue and moan' but it doesn't take a genius to piece together that word puzzle so she decides to interrupt before the amorous pair puts on a floor show.

"So," Sam clears her throat to gain their attention and hopefully put a stop to whatever those movements underneath the blanket draped across their laps were. "exactly how much trouble am I in this time?" bracing herself for the worst she's floored when Brooke simply shrugs, licking the sweet buttercream frosting from her spoon.

"You ran off into a rainstorm, passed out in the streets and had to be taken to a clinic to have your appendix removed. Fate saw fit for you to end up someplace safe where an old friend was there to take care of you until we arrived, I see no need for punishment."

"That's all it takes to escape the iron claw of justice, losing an internal organ?" Sam snorts in disbelief.

"Pick up an extra shift at the store and Lisa could use your help with running messages next Thursday other than that, we'll call it squaresies."

Sam sits waiting for the other shoe to drop, no way has she ever gotten off this easy before. At her previous foster homes when she decided to split no one so much as lifted a finger to stop her but here, Brooke and Rachel compiled a squadron to help search for her and that act of love was something wholly unfamiliar to Sam. Attempting to test her boundaries, she adverts her eyes and tentatively asks,

"These messenger deliveries Lisa's gonna need help with, am I suppose to walk or…?"

"Why would you walk when we got you a brand spanking new scooter?" Rachel rolls her eyes at the teen

Sam's gaze shoots up, her heart in her throat and she prays that the redhead isn't teasing her. "So, I get to keep the Vespa?"

"Of course, it was a gift Sam." Brooke says quietly. Her heart breaking at the thought that Sam believed her presents would be taken away. How awful Sam's childhood must have been that she thinks every bit of kindness shown to her comes with strings attached. That thought and the grateful look in the teenagers eyes further cements the belief that her second gift was indeed the right choice.

Straightening in her seat, she takes the plate of icing and cake crumbs from Rachel's hands to place it on the coffee table, picking up a manila envelope she set aside earlier.

"There is a second part to your birthday gift that Rach and I hope you'll like just as much." handing over the envelope to the curious teen, she looks to Rachel for a supportive smile.

"If this is the ownership papers to my very own pony I'm gonna lose it?" Sam jokes, shaking the contents of the sealed envelope.

"Just open it and read, smartass." Brooke rolls her eyes, anxiously biting her lip as Sam tears it open and begins to skim the legal documents.

A minute passes, then two, they're sitting in apprehensive silence for four and a half minutes and Brooke starts to worry that this is too much too soon.

"Is this," Sam's voice is hoarse and she's clutching the edges of the documents for dear life, "you want to adopt me, for real?"

The astonishment in the teens voice, that someone would find her worthy enough to want her to be their daughter, rips Rachel's heart in half. Before she knows it she's pulling Sam up on the couch to squeeze in between her and Brooke and engulfing them both in a desperate hug_._


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n: The title for this chapter, Raison D'étre (reason for living or being), was chosen for several reasons: 1. The main characters, Brooke, Rachel and Sam have all gone through traumatic events in their lives and have found their way to each other in order to heal and move forward. And 2. Well, I just like the way it rolls off the tongue.**

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone **

**Disclaimer: Brachel and friends are the property of the CW and Schwahn**

**Chapter 5: Raison D'étre **

Five and a half years ago when he discovered that he had inherited the heart condition from his biological father, Lucas saw his dreams of basketball glory as well as a long healthy life wash down the drain. It's been years since he had taken that life altering test and as he passes the marker on his six mile run without so much as a twinge in his chest, Lucas smiles, mentally patting himself on the back and heads home.

"Hey babe, you want to grab lunch this afternoon?" Lucas asks his fiancee as he enters their tiny kitchen.

"Can't sweetie, I'm meeting Brooke to pick out a reception hall for the wedding ." pouring her herbal decaf tea into a travel mug she begins to gather her things to head out.

"I thought that was the reason you went to her house so early yesterday?" he frowns

"I did, but when I got there she was um…_indisposed_, if you know what I mean?" chuckling again at what she interrupted yesterday when she stupidly barged into Brooke and Rachel's bedroom, Peyton doesn't notice Lucas' frown deepen.

"Typical," his voice dripping with disdain, causing his fiancee to glance at him quizzically "you know, you'd think Brooke would be a little more considerate, her best friend _is _getting married after all."

"Brooke's had a lot going on lately and she was really doing _me_ a favor by trying to squeeze me in before picking up Sam from the clinic. Besides, she and Rachel are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, I should've known what they were up to when they didn't answer the door." taking a closer look at her husband to be and his disapproving facial expressions whenever the Brachel ship is mentioned, Peyton's beginning to think he is having second thoughts concerning their pending marriage. "You know, Luke you've been acting weird whenever the topic of Brooke and her family comes up…is their something you want to tell me?" broaching the subject cautiously.

"Look, my mom raised me a certain way." Lucas grumbles, not really wanting to start his day off with a fight about someone else's '_relationship_.'

"And what's that suppose to mean? Are you seriously being homophobic?"

"I don't know, I've never really had to deal with something like _that_ before."

"You've never met a lesbian?" she asks sardonically

"Trust me, Brooke is _not_ a lesbian." he smirks remembering all of the times he'd taken the brunette in question, then quickly wipes it off of his face as Peyton narrows her eyes at him.

"Call it whatever you want, but the fact still remains that Brooke and Rachel are very much in love with one another and from the looks of it, will most likely be making it legal very soon. So no more digs at my best friend or Rachel and for heavens sake stop treating Sam like she's some sort of delinquent."

"She is a delinquent! A fact you all seem so eager to ignore because of her sob story but she did steal from Brooke's store and it was _her_ friend that attacked Brooke," throwing his hands up in frustration, "why am I the bad guy for wanting to report her to the cops?"

"You can't be serious, Sam didn't send that creep over to C/B to attack Brooke, his twisted mind came up with that all on his own as well as all of the other crimes he's currently being charged with. If Brooke and Rachel have forgiven her and are still going forward with the adoption what right do you have to hold anything against Sam?" Peyton questions, genuinely confused.

"A kid like that is nothing but trouble but if Brooke want's to invite that into her home then be my guest. Just don't expect me to come running to her rescue when it all blows up in her face, _again."_ seeing that this argument was headed straight for several cold, uncomfortable nights alone on the couch, Lucas wisely changes the subject. "Look I don't want to fight about this Peyton, you and I are happy and right now that is my main focus."

* * *

"I'm pretty sure those documents still say the same thing, no matter how many times you read them." Rachel smirks as Sam tries to hide her adoption papers underneath her back pack on the kitchen counter and act cool.

"Something struck me as weird when I skimmed through it last night and I was just checking to make sure I read it right." she shrugs

" Alright, then shoot." the older girl grants permission. She pours herself a cup of coffee and leans against the counter

"O.k. under adoptive parents Brooke is the only one listed…and I just thought that after what you said about us, _all_ of us being a family that…"

"Hey," Rachel's tone is soft as she cuts off the worried teen, "I meant every last word of it, Brooke and I both want nothing more than to legally become your parents. We're a family, you, me, Brooke and however many other kids we decide to have or adopt, but a few weeks ago we were doing research on making this thing legit and we kind of hit a snag in our plans. Adoption agencies in many states, while they rarely come right out and object to it, tends to frown upon same sex adoptive parents and since Brooke has already gone through the preliminary interview process and was approved we just figured that it would be best for now that she be named your legal guardian. We're just keeping our relationship quiet for now."

"How exactly do you figure you and Brooke are gonna pull off not being a couple?" Sam snorts in disbelief, "Every time you're in a room together you two are climbing all over each other like ferromagnetic materials. Hell I febreezed the couch before I sat down in the living room, what with all of the noise you guys kept after I went to bed last night."

"If that's the case then you might want to spritz a little Clorox Clean-up on this countertop here as well." Rachel grins over the rim of her coffee-mug as Sam jerks her bowl of cereal away from the offending granite surface top.

"Dude, not cool!" the young girl grumbles, moving her breakfast over to the table.

"Oh relax, we just made out a little before heading upstairs."

"Yeah, well judging from all her moaning one would think you were rounding second base and sliding into third."

"Just be grateful I got her upstairs before I hit a grand slam." Rachel laughs, sipping her coffee and reminiscing about last night's pleasurable activities.

"Morning all." Brooke bounces through the back door into the kitchen. Placing a kiss to the top of Sam's head she steals a strawberry from the cereal bowl, popping the fruit in her mouth and winking at Sam's protests.

"Do you want a ride to school, Avril?"

"No thanks, I'm planning on showing off my new wheels."

"Are you sure you're well enough to be riding that scooter by yourself? Maybe we should take you for another checkup just to be sure." Brooke asks, becoming increasingly worried about her daughters health.

"Chillax mom, I had my appendix removed not my frontal lobe, schools only a ten minute drive away I'll be fine." the teenager rolls her eyes, while secretly loving that someone cares so much about her safety.

"Fine," Brooke reluctantly agrees "but at least wear the helmet Jaime got you for your birthday."

"Oh yeah, the hot-ass old school Harley Davidson one with the picture of an eagle?" Sam exclaims

"Jaime conned Nathan into buying one for each of you under the pretense that his is for when you take him skateboarding." Brooke snorts at Nate's inability to say no to the adorable kid.

"Smooth."

* * *

"Hey P. Sawyer soon to be Scott, give me one second to finish going over this quarterly report then I am all yours." Brooke announces as Peyton enters her office. Typing out the last lines furiously then hitting spellcheck she motions for her friend to take a seat.

"All mine huh?" Peyton laughs, "You might wanna run that one by Gattina first, wouldn't want _Rainbow Bright_ leaping out of the shadows and bashing my skull in for touching her woman."

"Funny, Rach is doing a conference call organizing for the Red Hot Charity Ball that's coming up." Brooke deadpans, turning in her chair to face the blond "Thanks for coming down here so early, I know I haven't been the most consistent Maid of Honor/dress maker/wedding planner but I have cleared my schedule for this morning so we can hit the wedding preparations hard. For the next three hours you have my undivided attention."

"Yeah right, like we're going to get any real work done until you explain what's behind that mega watt smile. So spill already B. Davis." putting her wedding binder on the chair beside her Peyton makes herself comfortable and as an afterthought adds, "the PG-13 version, walking in on the NC-17 version yesterday was enough."

"Sorry about that,'" Brooke blushes, "but really you should know better than to just come marching into my bedroom like that and while what you caught a glimpse of yesterday is more than enough to put a little pep in my step, what's actually got me so giddy is my other girl. Sam called me mom this morning, granted she was whining about me being overzealous about her safety, but still it came out so natural."

"Brooke that's awesome."

"Yeah." Brooke's smile slowly drops and she looks increasingly sad.

"Wha…it's not awesome?"

"No, no it is, it's really awesome but it's just." exhaling deeply Brooke pushes her bangs out of her eyes, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. " I told you that we're signing Sam's adoption papers today right?" Peyton nods "And we've been super excited about starting a family, I've wanted to be a mom for so long and now that I am…I can't stop thinking about my own mother."

"Oh Brooke, you need to stop, Victoria is not worth even one second of your time." Peyton says extending her sympathies.

"When Sam called me mom, it was the greatest feeling in the world, you know. She's gonna look to me and Rachel for love and support for the rest of her life…and I can't help but wonder why couldn't Victoria do that for me? Why wasn't I enough for her?"

Peyton stands up, rounding Brooke's desk and engulfs the vulnerable brunette in her arms.

"Brooke, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Victoria's psychosis. I wish I could give you an answer other than '_you're moms a bitch'_, but that's all that I can come up with." laughing softy, she pushes the bangs once again out of her friends teary golden eyes. "You are going to be the most kickass mom on the playground, just you wait."

"Thanks, P. Sawyer."

"Anytime, B. Davis soon to be Gattina."

a/n: I've been reading spoilers stating that OTH will be back for another season but I'm having mixed feelings here. Sources report that CMM and HB have not and probably will not renew their contracts and that Naley will be moving to like Boston so Nathan can play ball, while Brooke may get more air time without having to prop up the whole Pucas=TLA junk, I'm afraid that Mark will just stick her in another deadbeat relationship that somehow has ties to Peyton's ex love's. As it stands I'm only watching the show out of habit nowadays and because I can set my DVR to record The Closer and Heroes, lol. If they bring Rachel back with a decent s/l then maybe I'll stick around otherwise I'm switching to NBC Monday nights.


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n: Since Mark has given up on the concept of time, I haven't a clue what month the show is suppose to be in so for the sake of this chapter let's just say it's February. Also I know that fashion week in NY takes place in Bryant Park but since the C/B show is also a party I've moved it to a hotel. Thanks again to all of my readers for their fabulous reviews, and to my readers of the Breyton fic things are coming along a bit slower than I'd like but I want to come to a close naturally while still being somewhat believable. **

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone**

**Disclaimer: Brachel and friends are the property of the CW, the Address Your Heart campaign is licensed by Campbell's Inc.**

**Chapter 6**

Hurrying into the locker room, Nathan wastes no time slipping off his sweat soaked practice jersey and gathers his toiletries to get in the shower.

"Someone's in a rush," a deep voice to his left states, "don't blame you, practice was a bitch today but you're running out of here like the place is on fire. Gotta hot date tonight?"

Nathan pauses, trying to gauge if his teammate is attempting to rattle his cage or is simply making conversation. He's gotten a lukewarm reception since joining the team, many feeling that the only reason he got his spot is because he knows the coach and things only became more tense when he replaced the starting point guard. Granted not everyone seemed upset about the ball-hogger being chucked, most of the guys were happy that the ball was now being passed more frequently, each having a chance to showcase their talents, while a select few are resentful that the new guy is now a starter. But Pettway appears to be okay, so Nate let's out a breath and lowers his guard a bit.

"I've got to catch a plane to New York in a few hours, a friend of mine is hosting this charity thing and I promised I'd help out."

"Oh, what sort of charity thing?" he asks curiously.

"It's the Campbell's Address Your Heart Campaign, you know for heart disease. Brooke's company is putting on a charity fashion show called the Red Hot Ball."

"Wait, Brooke as in _the_ Brooke Davis?"

"Yeah, what about her?" Nathan bristles immediately going into protective big brother mode.

"Man she's hot, half of my girls closet is filled with her clothes, I gotta tell you when it comes to lingerie your friend is an absolute genius!" clapping Nate on the back, his teammate struts off to the showers but turns back around with a grin "Hey Scott, if you happen to find yourself backstage near the models dressing room, don't forget your camera."

Chuckling to himself, Nate grabs his bottle of Axe bodywash, walking in the direction of his new friend.

* * *

Out of all of the glamorous shows Rachel has walked in her short modeling career none holds that special place in her heart as the C/B Red Hot Ball. No doubt that's because of the shows origins derive from a conversation between Brooke and herself three years ago, as Brooke sat in the loft they shared thinking up designs for the spring line to wow Victoria, for whatever reason Rachel began to tell her stories of her grandmother who died of heart disease and that February is Heart Disease Awareness month. Around four in the morning Brooke was bouncing on her bed excited about her new sketches and an idea for her fashion week debut to become the Red Hot Ball charity fashion show.

"Hey there, Firebird." a voice whispers in her ear and Rachel cringes in recognition. Turning around slowly she's met with the sight of a tall dark hair blue eyes woman dressed in a form fitting red satin halter dress and lovingly cradling a ten thousand dollar camera. "You don't write, you don't call, one might get the impression that you're avoiding me?" her blood red lips form a seductive pout that Rachel recalls used to cause her to do many moronic things.

"Nicolette," Rachel says, casting a nervous glance around searching for Brooke "what's up?"

"Same old," Nicolette answers with a one shoulder shrug, stepping closer to the redhead she tilts her head to the side, studying Rachel with an predatory look. "I'm a bit surprised to see you here, last I heard you went off the grid after Queen B dropped your contract. How much groveling did you have to do to get back into _Her Highness _good graces?"

Rachel struggles with herself to keep her balled fist at her side and not punch this bitch's lights out for the derisive tone Nic uses when talking about her lover. It wouldn't do to get into a fight while in a room full of press and the industries higher ups because someone insults the woman you love, especially when no one is suppose to know about your relationship.

"Actually, the runway was getting kinda stale," Rachel says through clenched teeth. "I'm co-head at C/B's headquarters in North Carolina."

"Huh? I never pegged you for a suit, if I remember correctly you were always more than happy to come out of your clothes." raking her azure colored eyes over the other girl, Nicolette licks her lips and steps further into Rachel's personal space. "If your up for it, a bunch of us are meeting up afterwards at this little place in Tribecca. You look like you could unwind a bit, there'll be plenty of party favors and who knows what else…" trailing off, she runs a finger down Rachel's arm and sashays off back into the crowd.

Rachel hasn't thought about getting high in months, but as she watches Nicolette walk away the seed has been planted in her brain. She remembers the old days, the fast paced shows, followed by nights of partying till dawn, waking up in a strangers bed only half recalling how you got there. Being in Tree Hill somehow makes it easier to forget how she royally screwed up her life. Surrounded by wholesome people and her loving new family, Rachel has been able to trick herself into thinking that life can be all sunshine and rainbows.

"Who's your friend?" Lucas asks as he sidles up to Rachel

"No one." Rachel mutters, continuing her search through the clothes rack for the models next change.

"Sure looks like someone to me and I'm guessing Brooke would think the same." Lucas presses

"Is there a reason you're bugging me Scott or are you that desperate for attention that you'd try to create drama where there is none?" Rachel snaps back at the nosy blond

"I'm on to you Gattina, so you had better drop the act now before anyone gets hurt." he threatens in a harsh whisper. Rachel rolls her eyes at his theatrics and hands off a dress to her assistant.

"Enlighten me Scott, what act would that be?"

"From what everyone keeps telling me you and Brooke are supposedly some sort of super couple, totally committed and deeply _in love_." Lucas scrunches up his face as if he has just tasted a sour ball candy. "Yet here you are flirting with some strange woman…"

"I wasn't flirting with Nicolette nor did I encourage anything, how dare you stand there and accuse me…"

"Look, Brooke is my friend so if this is just a scam to swindle more money out of her I suggest you end this farce right now before I…"

"Before you what, you smug son of a bitch?" Rachel snarls, poking him in the chest, "You know you have got some nerve advising me on _my_ relationship with Brooke, last time I checked you were 0-2 in that department. So why don't you take an interest in your own relationship before blondie realizes she could do much better than your sorry, unemployed ass!" Lucas bristles at the mention of his failed second novel, the movie deal falling through, and the schoolboards decision to appoint Skills as head coach of the Ravens after the parents complained about Lucas' tussle with one of the opposing teams player a few months back. Taking a deep breath he squints his eyes, puffs out his chest and tries his best to look imposing. Rachel shakes her head in annoyance, _'What the hell did Brooke ever see in this idiot? Nate is infinitely the better catch.'_

"If you hurt Brooke…"

"Don't worry Lucas, I'm not you." Rachel spares him a disgusted glance as she bypasses him to bring the next wardrobe change to Jessica.

* * *

Despite the success of the Ball and the donations they're still raking in for the Cambell's Heart Disease foundation, Rachel is in a foul mood, snapping at just about everyone. When Brooke, in between her emcee duties, asks what's wrong Rachel pushes her hand away and snarks that she'd _'better not let anyone see them standing too close, wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea about them.' _A half hour of Rachel's surly behavior and Brooke has had enough, she hands off the mic to Lauren and pulls the red head backstage into a secluded spot.

"I thought that we agreed that our private life would be our own, it's kind of an oxymoron considering our profession constantly draws a spotlight, but that was something that we both agreed on. So why are you making it out to be all my fault?"

"I'm not blaming it all on you, Brooke." Rachel says with a sigh, "A big part of it, is the way our relationship will be portrayed in the media and I don't want that kind of scrutiny aimed at our family. Sam's adoption has just been finalized and she's finally starting to really open herself up and accept that we truly love her, I don't want anything to mess up what we've built."

"Well why are you acting this way, what do you want from me, Rach?" a hint of frustration in her tone

"I want to go out with you in public and not have to hide that fact that we're together. I want to get married and have it legally recognized in more than just a handful of states. I want our children to be _ours_ and not just yours, Brooke I want our family to be real!"

"It is real."

"Try explaining that to your asshat of an ex." Rachel scoffs

"Who, Lucas? Why would I need to, better yet why would he even care who I'm with when he's marrying Peyton?"

"Apparently he missed that memo." Rachel mumbles as she searches through the rack for the next changing, "Come on, you can't tell me you haven't notice that Dr. _Broodenstein_ takes every chance he can get to violently diss our relationship?"

"Honestly, I stopped caring what Lucas thinks of me a long time ago." Rachel gives her a skeptical look so she sighs and continues, "Glenda was the first person who read his book, I know that the majority of the editing he did on the chapters concerning me was at her insistence because when the producers wanted to adapt _Ravens_ into a movie he went back to his original version of me as the '_Fun Whore'_." the sadness in her voice over Lucas' description of the girl he once claimed to love pisses Rachel off to no end, "I worked really hard to shed that image.."

"You have Brooke," Rachel says emphatically, cupping Brooke's face gently, "you're not that girl anymore and if Lucas can't realize that then he can shove his quasi best selling book straight up his narrow ass!"

Brooke gives a short laugh and Rachel leans forward to kiss her but at the last minute pulls back, remembering they're in a public place with photographers roaming about.

"Well isn't this…_cozy_." a venomous voice startles them. "I suppose I can't even say that I'm surprised considering this has been the addicts end game all along but I'd at least _assumed_ you had more sense than this Brooke, obviously you have absolutely no taste when it comes to choosing a suitable paramour." shooting Rachel a disgusted look she snatches up a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and thoroughly enjoys consuming alcohol in front of the redhead.

"What are you doing here Victoria? I had your pass revoked." Brooke fumes

"Oh my dutiful daughter, surely you didn't think your little company was the only game in town." she replies with a condescending tone "I am the new VP at Heidi Weisel designs, what with it being Fashion Week I would say that I'm here to check out the competition but there doesn't appear to be any, pity."

"You're at Heidi Weisel, who exactly did you have to sleep with to get that position and are they aware that your kind tends to bite off the head of their bedmate after consummation?" Charles asks as he and his new wife Diane make their way over to the group, kissing Brooke's cheek and sending a warning glare to his ex-wife. "The show was incredible sweetheart, the preliminary tally has already exceeded our original goal. You two should be very proud of yourselves."

"Thanks dad I'm so glad you and Diane could make it."

"Please, is this performance for your new bimbos benefit?" Victoria snorts, "I'm not buying your proud papa act for a second, Charles."

"Unlike some Victoria, I am capable of conveying admiration for all of my daughters accomplishments."

"Right, and this would be the same daughter that you whored out to your prospective business associates at the tender age of 14? How you have not been nominated for 'Father of the Year' is still a mystery to me?"

"You're a mean drunk Victoria and if you had any sense of decorum you wouldn't spread your malicious lies in a room full of reporters." Charles warns his ex-wife

"Oh, they're lies now are they?" Victoria laughs spitefully, "Because I distinctly remember you offering your precious daughter to several of your clients sons, a _sure thing _is what you'd say, and I'll be damned if a couple of hours of Brooke on her back didn't set you on the fast track up the corporate ladder. Too bad she decided to become the neighborhood chew toy, maybe then you wouldn't have lost your job." lifting her glass to her smirking lips she is momentarily shocked when that redhead's hand strikes out, quick as lightening and jabs her throat, effectively cutting off her air supply. The motion was so fast if you blinked you would have missed it but it was enough to render Victoria speechless. She staggers backwards stunned, gasping for breath and nearly toppling over but Rachel reaches out grabbing her arm.

"Shut your mouth you bitter old hag or I will shut it for you…_permanently_." Rachel growls, gripping the older women's wrist with enough force to break it. "Now there are two ways we can do this, option A: You can apologize to Brooke for every hateful, vindictive word that has ever spewed from your twisted mouth and calmly be escorted out by security never to bother her again or option B: I beat your pathetic lopsided ass to a bloody pulp and let the janitorial crew toss you out with the rest of the trash. If you're smart you'll choose A but I gotta tell you I'm dying for you to say B."

"Rachel stop," Brooke's husky voice cuts through the tense atmosphere, "just let her go."

Rachel's eyes shift back and forth between Brooke and Victoria with uncertainty. Brooke straightens her back, lifts her chin in defiance and once Rachel sees the steel resolve in her lover's eyes she drops her hold on Victoria and takes her place at Brooke's side.

"Pitiful, one word from her master and she heels like a well trained animal. What other tricks can you make her do Brooke, balance a crack pipe on her nose?"

"You know Victoria, a month ago your words might have hurt me. I would have spent hours _agonizing_ over every single insult but now," shaking her head sadly Brooke blinks back the tears threatening to fall "listening to you speak to your own child this way all I can do is feel sorry for you. How lonely your life must be, sure you've got a fancy new job but who's there to share in your triumphs? Who's there to reassure you when things get rough? Where are your _true_ friends and not just a bunch of yes-men you pay to say what you want them to. You are my mother and no matter what you say or do a part of me will always love you, but that doesn't mean I have to like you." signaling to a burly young man dressed from head to toe in black "Parkman, my mother has had a bit too much to drink. Would you please escort her to her car and make sure that you tell the driver to wait until she is safely in her building before pulling off?"

"Of course Ms. Davis." Parkman reaches out a hand to steady a shocked Victoria and firmly ushers her towards the exit.

"This is far from over, Brooke." Victoria hisses

"You can say whatever you want Victoria but you no longer have any power over me."

"Good riddance." Rachel mutters at Victoria's retreating back

"Brooke," Charles hangs his head contritely "I'm afraid that I have no excuse for my actions. I know that I haven't been the most supportive father, I've missed out on too much of your life. I'm so proud of the caring and generous woman you have become and it saddens me to know that I can't take credit for it. All that I am asking is that we start over, I want to be in your life, your new family's life," he says with a cautious glance to Rachel, "I'd like to get a chance to know and love my grandchildren."

a/n: A weird place to end things, I know but this chapter was getting really long and that's with me cutting out all of the runway scenes. The next part will close this chapter and probably jump ahead a bit since all of my notes seem to be about six months into the future.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry, sorry sorry for taking so long but I had the flu for like a week and a half, then had to catch up on work but when I finally had time to sit and write I couldn't focus, hence the Brachel verse future shot 'Six Times Binks Kissed Annie', if anyone was confused Binks is Brachels daughter and Annie is Peyton and Lucas' daughter. It's explained further in the Sam centric fic that was suppose to go first but the other was finished and I wanted to see if anyone was interested before I continue.

**I Am Much Too Alone In This World, Yet Not Alone Enough**

disclaimer: all characters are the property of the cw

**Chapter 7: I Won't Let Go**

Standing in front of the floor to ceiling wall of windows Rachel is mesmerized by the panoramic view of Central Park. She had always loved Brooke's penthouse on the upper east side, especially in the spring of their first years in New York, Brooke would put aside her work and drag Rachel off to Shakespeare's Garden where they would laze away a sunny afternoon talking about everything and nothing, simply shutting out the rest of the world. It was these memories that had gotten Rachel through those horrible first days at rehab when the pain from withdraw and her separation from Brooke was enough to make her feel as though she were losing her mind. Closing her eyes Rachel presses her forehead against the cool glass, a smile tugging at her lips, envisioning chocolate and red headed toddlers chasing each other and laughing, while she held a happy Brooke in her arms, looking lovingly at their family.

"You were amazing tonight," Rachel sighs contently as Brooke approaches, her arms encircles Rachel's waist from behind, "I am so proud of you."

"Thanks, but really the whole affair was a group effort and a lot of the credit goes to you, I'm mainly the window dressing."

"No, you Brooke are the one who spearheaded the campaign, you've done a world of good for the cause, Nana Gattina would be grateful, but that's not what I was referring to. I meant I am proud of the way you handled the Victoria situation, you had so much compassion and grace, I'm almost embarrassed for my actions."

"Don't be, Victoria has a way of bringing out the absolute worst in people." Brooke hugs the other girl tighter.

"True, but I never should have let her words get to me and I _definitely_ shouldn't have hit her."

"Please, if I had a nickel for every time I've wanted to deck my mother…oh wait I do." Rachel rolls her eyes and laughs, "Seriously though Rach, why did you let her words get to you?"

"It wasn't just her, you know? After that crap with LucASS and I also ran into Nicolette…" Rachel's voice trails off as she feels Brooke's body stiffen.

"Nicolette Caldwell? Oh how is she, still freelancing?" the forced neutrality in her tone raises the hair on the back of Rachel's neck.

"We didn't talk for long, I was busy and not the least bit interested in whatever she said."

"What did she say?" now Brooke's growing wary

"She invited me out with the old gang." Rachel replies cautiously

"And what did you…"

Spinning around to face Brooke so that she'd know for certain that what Rachel says next is absolutely the truth."I'm through with that shit Brooke. The crazy parties and the drugs…look I'm not gonna lie and say that I wasn't tempted. I'm an addict, I will be tempted everyday for the rest of my life, the point that I'm trying to make though is," heaving a sigh Rachel searches for the right words to get her point across, "there was a time that heroin was the most important thing in my life. But all of that is over now, you and Sam are what matters the most to me and I would die before I'd ever bring that chaos into our lives. You want to know what keeps me sober? Whenever I get the urge to feel sorry for myself, I remember the look on your face when I OD in your loft. You were so scared and disappointed and I was so ashamed of myself for causing you that heartache." Brooke leans forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead and another on her nose, holding her lover tight.

"Have you given any thought to what your dad said?"

"Not much really, he seems apologetic enough and at least he's trying to make up for being a lousy father."

"Whatever you decide…I'll support you." Rachel's heart does a little flip when she's rewarded with a grateful smile.

"It hurts, to know that he thought so little of me, pimping me out to his business contacts. But the harsh reality of it is that even though he suggested those things about me, I'm the one who actually went through with it. No one forced me to be a slut, I did that all on my own, he simply cashed in on it."

" I can't really advise you on how to handle your parents Brooke, I haven't spoken to my folks since I left Columbia after only getting my associate's degree. They were so pissed that I decided to model instead of a _respectable_ career that they cut me off financially. When I left rehab I was going to visit them to try and make amends."

"What stopped you?" Brooke frowns, she never did get a satisfactory explanation about why Rachel chose to seek her out fresh from rehab.

"I wanted to stay with you." the sincerity in that simple statement was enough to melt her heart

Pressing Rachel up against the window Brooke slowly rubs her hands over her hips gradually lifting the hem of Rachel's dress, raining urgent kisses upon her. Rarely, in the months that they began their sexual relationship, has Rachel relinquished control but tonight she was nervous and letting Brooke take the lead was a welcome respite.

"Maybe we should move this a few feet to the side." Rachel moans as Brooke kisses her way down the slope of her neck.

"Afraid your fat ass is gonna break the glass?" Brooke's husky laughter is muffled by their closeness

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of not mooning half of New York."

"Alright, but I wanna take a shower first, during that last interview with the editor from Vogue, she smoked like half a pack of Marlboros, I smell like an ashtray."

"I don't mind, it'll just be another reminder that you're smoking hot!"

Somehow the pair manages to make it into the bedroom, tumbling onto the plush mattress Brooke pushes Rachel onto her back straddling the other girls lap. She stretches their arms over Rachel's head and Rachel's eyes widen comically when Brooke's hand comes dangerously close to her pillow. Clasping the brunette's roaming hand, she flips them over and quickly kisses away Brooke's protests.

"Rach, wait I wanted to…I always finish first." Brooke groans, as Rachel removes her dress

"I like being on top," Rachel shrugs, "besides those dirty little noises you make are enough to make me climax, alone."

As Rachel slips her hand under the waist band of Brooke's panties her fingers glide easily into the brunettes folds. "God, you're so wet." she teases Brooke to the brink then pulls her fingers out much to Brooke's dismay. After paying adequate attention to Brooke's ample breast, she slides down her lovers body placing open mouth kisses to Brooke's creamy thighs zeroing in on her center and hovers for several moments before Brooke lifts her hips in demand. Rachel buries her tongue as far as she can into Brooke's hot core, suckling gently and as Brooke approaches her peak, Rachel pulls away earning a desperate growl from her partner. Rachel stretches her body out over Brooke's and smiles, greatly enjoying her distress. Pushing her thigh in between Brooke's legs, she slips her right hand under her pillow and easing the little velvet box open she palms the tiny treasure. While the brunette is distracted grinding her center against Rachel's thigh, Rachel slips her grandmother's ring onto Brooke's left ring finger. She replaces her thigh with nimble fingers just as Brooke's digits enter her and captures the other girls lips in a searing kiss that catapults them both into nirvana.

"Ask me again." Brooke requests in a near panic and breathing heavily as she comes back down from her high.

"What?"

"Ask me to marry you again!"

"Why, are you already having second thoughts?"

"Of course not, but I can't very well tell everyone that in the middle of a heart stopping orgasm you slipped a huge rock on my finger and proclaimed me to be yours, now can I?" Brooke rolls her eyes at her fiancées thickheadedness.

"Why not, afraid no one would believe you?" Rachel snorts

"Oh I _know_ they'd believe me, that's the point we've already been dubbed the '**Screwsome Twosome'**, but do you really want people picturing me naked when I tell the story of how the love of my life asked me to be hers forever?"

"Good point." Rachel agrees with a decisive nod, grabbing the blue silk robe from the end of the bed and wrapping it around Brooke's shoulders, she takes Brooke's hands in hers, staring into those beautiful hazel eyes.

"Brooke Davis, from the moment I saw you I wanted to know you. From the moment I spoke to you I wanted to be your friend. From the moment I kissed you I knew that I would love you forever. You are the most beautiful, loving, often bitchy, sexy, funny, absolute wildcat in the sack, neurotic pain in the ass and I would be honored if you would be my wife?"

"Well, I suppose I should make an honest whore out of you." Brooke shrugs nonchalantly before breaking into a huge smile and wrapping her arms around Rachel's neck.

a/n: I purposely made this chapter short because I wanted to close out this part so that I could jump ahead a bit and start them on the next phase of their relationship and the introduction of a new character. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, Ravenscircle, Splashly20 you guys are always so kind in your reviews even when I'm not totally loving how it turned out. I have a basic plan of what's to come next and have to put a few finishing touches on that Sam centric fic I mentioned but my ideas are loosely going to follow what happens on the show tonight, so until then.


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